Letter #4

Hi Universe,
I needed to talk and you haven't written back, so I figured I'd write again.  So, things got better.  Then things got worse.  How is it that I tried to nip the situation in the bud, and then it just goes away only to come back with a vengeance?  Seriously?  I knew what was happening, so I ended it.  And then I stupidly fell for the same tricks again.  And now?  I seriously got off the phone and found exactly what I had suspected is what's going on?  How do I deserve this?  Granted, I'm not the best person on the planet, but I can't be so horrible that I have to endure all of this emotional turmoil in less than a year.  One person can only take so much abuse.  I do it to myself because I'm simple and naive in this aspect of life.  I just want to be happy, so I believe.  I just want to believe that things will work out.  And I do, but right now, it's so complicated and convoluted and I just want to cry.  I need things to be better soon.  I'm starting to see that all of my fears and doubts are right, but I don't want to be alone.  I'm afraid to be alone.  That's part of the problem.  I guess I'm just asking you to throw me a bone.  Or help me figure out how to make it okay.  I know you make it so a person has to experience certain things and events in order to become the person they need to be, and I can appreciate that.  I'm just hoping that you can throw a positive social relationship experience my way sometime soon.  I just hate being sad and I hate that people look at me and think that I'm so inherently messed up that I'm a lost cause.  It might be true, but I'd like to start changing public opinion.

I don't want to lose what I thought I had.  I do care.  I do want that.  But, if that's not what's meant to be, then I need to stop being jerked around so I can move on with my life and be happy.  Its just a shame that it had to go down like this.  It just proves everything that I thought and feared was right.  It proves that I knew what I was talking about.  And it proves that some people, no matter how what they tell you, just shouldn't be trusted.  This hurts.  I hate it.

Thanks for listening.  Sorry for all the requests, I just could use some help for once.

You should write soon.  I'd love to hear your thoughts.

Letter #3

Hey Universe,

Haven't really talked to you in awhile. Hope things are going well. I'm sure you've heard about my recent development. And I really don't want to talk to anyone about it except for you and the other person involved. And the other person involved, I'm not sure he really cares about me enough to talk about it. I miss him already though. Everything went down not even 12 hours ago and I miss him like crazy. I'm in love with him. I don't want to be without him. And I'm afraid I've lost him forever. I know we said we'd still talk and down the road we might try again, but that's not a sure thing. And I don't want to think he just said it to be nice, that he actually believed it, but I'm not sure. I just want him back when he can appreciate me. I deserved to be loved and not judged. I can understand being judged a little, but the balance was way out of whack. He needs time, but I'm afraid he's going to find someone else during that time and that will just break my heart even more. I don't like this feeling. I just want to know that everything is going to work out for the best and that I'm going to be happy.

Thanks for listening. I'll probably be writing to you a little more often. Let me know how things are on your end.

Evening Universe

Hello again friend,

Hope things are going well. Springs coming, so that always makes me happy. I'm sure you enjoy watching the seasons change.

Things haven't really changed since my last letter. Still being treated poorly. Still surrounded by people I can't talk to. Still looking for my supporting cast. I'm just so at a loss. What I want is still conflicting. Emotions are involved. I can't bear the thought of not having what was promised to me, and I'm terrified of what having it will mean to my mental health. I keep saying that next time I get a chance I'm going to be open and honest. And I keep hoping that I can, but I get into girl mode when given the opportunity. It would just be nice to know what's going through the person who is causing me so much anguish's head. I have a feeling I know. And I have the evidence right in front of me, but I feel like I want to deny it. Or I feel like I'm giving up too soon. I think I'm hoping that my doubts are just because I'm afraid and not because they are substantial. But I'm smart enough to know that what I'm going through right now is not normal.

Plus, the roommate situation is deteriorating rapidly. I can't deal with being surrounded by such selfishness. Such disregard and abuse of someone's kindness and help. I'm all about having fun, but there's being responsible too. Something roommates need to learn. I feel bad that one roommate is having money issues, but she needs a wakeup call and she needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions and not rely on others. I'm more than happy to help when their's no other option, but not when there's abuse like this.

Universe, you're a good listener. And I appreciate the listening. I'm just so sad lately. I feel like crying everyday. I need to find strength and I want to find happiness. I just don't know how. I'm so sick of being sad and alone. I want someone who wants to be with me who I want to be with. I want someone I can get along with. Someone that makes me laugh. Someone with a great laugh. Someone who thinks I'm funny and loves my laugh. Someone who thinks I'm attractive the way I am. Someone who I am attracted to. Someone I can love. Someone who can love me. Someone who can be my best friend and I can be their's. Someone who has the same values and the same goals and dreams. Someone who gets me and I can understand. Someone I can trust. Someone that trusts me. I just want to share my life with someone that wants me in theirs. It's not fair that I've gone this long without someone who treats me right. Everyone else finds love. Why can't I?

I know I'm being harsh and dramatic. I apologize. Girl times. They affect my thinking. I'm just terrified of getting hurt. My heart is on the line and I feel like it's being kicked around. It's upsetting to know that the person you love doesn't love you back.

Thanks for listening to me vent. I appreciate it.

You should let me know how things are with you. I'm sure you've got great stories.

Letter Number 1

Hey Universe,

Had to switch URLs. Still me though. Same lame problems, same lame complaints. This last month has been rough though. And it's hard because I don't really have anyone I want to talk to about this. My supposed best friend is way too involved in her own crush and hormonally charged to actually give me valid advice. The guys I talk with are typical boys that don't really ask the whys. Or if I told one in particular, he'd judge and condescend. My work friends are too self-involved as well. The one friend I feel okay talking about this with kind of already gave me her opinion on the situation so I feel bad dwelling with her. And the actually person who has caused this emotional turmoil hasn't talked to me in almost a week. I know I could pick up the phone and call, but that means that it's back to what it was before... me being pitied. I know I said I wanted to the more inter-personal side of life, and I do, but I want to experience what actual people go through. Not what pricks do to people. This whole thing has been rough because I've always had this idea of what I want, and then I have this idea of who I want, and then those ideas conflict. On the one hand, what was offered to me truly scares me. It's not what I've ever really wanted. I'd be filling someone else's dream, and that's not what I want to do. But on the other hand, it's exciting. I'd like to at least try it on and see if it fit. If maybe it's like all those foods I've never tried...something I've just been closed minded about and might actually like and want if given half the chance. But I want it to be real. I don't want it to be because someone else is afraid of the future and is using me. And I want to be treated like a human being for once. Not just this fun person people will invite out every once in a while, but not awesome enough to be apart of the cast. I'm sick of being recurring guest star. I suppose I could create a cast of my own, and I've been trying, but I'm not finding my ideal crew. I'm just kind of filling voids until someone better is found. And that's not fair. I guess what I'd like is to know what's going on, for sure. I don't like this being left in the dark. I don't like people being cowards. I want to be given a chance by someone I'm willing to give a chance to.

I could just be hormonal, so I apologize if this is a little heavy on the complaints. This is just an issue I can't really find anyone else to talk to about it. No one I feel comfortable talking to about it anyway. And I feel like my complaints are valid. I feel like the only kid in school that has no friends. Or the only kid in school who hasn't been invited to the dance. It's rough. My new year's resolution was to try to meet more people last year. This year, my new year's resolution is that, but it's also to try to find people who can be my friends. If you could help me meet good quality people, that'd be great. And if you could get a certain someone to stop being a coward and actually man up for once and do the right thing, I'd really appreciate it. Because I feel like I might need closure in that issue, or I need to be given a fair chance to decide that it's what I want.

Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I'm closer to crying than I was fifteen minutes ago, but at least I don't feel like everything is completely bottled up inside.

Thanks! I'll write you later!