Had to switch URLs. Still me though. Same lame problems, same lame complaints. This last month has been rough though. And it's hard because I don't really have anyone I want to talk to about this. My supposed best friend is way too involved in her own crush and hormonally charged to actually give me valid advice. The guys I talk with are typical boys that don't really ask the whys. Or if I told one in particular, he'd judge and condescend. My work friends are too self-involved as well. The one friend I feel okay talking about this with kind of already gave me her opinion on the situation so I feel bad dwelling with her. And the actually person who has caused this emotional turmoil hasn't talked to me in almost a week. I know I could pick up the phone and call, but that means that it's back to what it was before... me being pitied. I know I said I wanted to the more inter-personal side of life, and I do, but I want to experience what actual people go through. Not what pricks do to people. This whole thing has been rough because I've always had this idea of what I want, and then I have this idea of who I want, and then those ideas conflict. On the one hand, what was offered to me truly scares me. It's not what I've ever really wanted. I'd be filling someone else's dream, and that's not what I want to do. But on the other hand, it's exciting. I'd like to at least try it on and see if it fit. If maybe it's like all those foods I've never tried...something I've just been closed minded about and might actually like and want if given half the chance. But I want it to be real. I don't want it to be because someone else is afraid of the future and is using me. And I want to be treated like a human being for once. Not just this fun person people will invite out every once in a while, but not awesome enough to be apart of the cast. I'm sick of being recurring guest star. I suppose I could create a cast of my own, and I've been trying, but I'm not finding my ideal crew. I'm just kind of filling voids until someone better is found. And that's not fair. I guess what I'd like is to know what's going on, for sure. I don't like this being left in the dark. I don't like people being cowards. I want to be given a chance by someone I'm willing to give a chance to.
I could just be hormonal, so I apologize if this is a little heavy on the complaints. This is just an issue I can't really find anyone else to talk to about it. No one I feel comfortable talking to about it anyway. And I feel like my complaints are valid. I feel like the only kid in school that has no friends. Or the only kid in school who hasn't been invited to the dance. It's rough. My new year's resolution was to try to meet more people last year. This year, my new year's resolution is that, but it's also to try to find people who can be my friends. If you could help me meet good quality people, that'd be great. And if you could get a certain someone to stop being a coward and actually man up for once and do the right thing, I'd really appreciate it. Because I feel like I might need closure in that issue, or I need to be given a fair chance to decide that it's what I want.
Anyway, thanks for letting me rant. I'm closer to crying than I was fifteen minutes ago, but at least I don't feel like everything is completely bottled up inside.
Thanks! I'll write you later!
